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I, Angie Lucas, have had many massages in my day, but I can state unequivocally that May 27 was the first time I’ve ever dozed off on the massage table. Blame it on Janice and the body butter.

Does anyone remember the Seinfeld episode (season 9, episode 1) when Kramer decides to replace his shaving cream with butter because it gives him a smoother shave? He loves how it feels so much that he spreads the butter all over his body and inadvertently starts baking himself in the sun, causing Newman to crave some tender, juicy Kramer turkey? Well my Body Butter Drench experience at the Sego Lily Spa was nothing like that at all.

For one thing, this body butter may have the same consistency as real butter, but it has never had anything to do with a cow. Also, a licensed professional is doing the spreading, throwing in a glorious massage for good measure. And the heat source involved in the treatment is decidedly non-solar and, as such, is guaranteed not to cause tanning, freckling, premature aging, crispy turkey skin, or any number of sun-induced blights. And Kramer will be the absolute furthest thing from your mind, so I’m not even sure why I brought it up.

I’ve long fantasized about what it would feel like to immerse my body into a bathtub filled with cool, whipped (but not melted) butter. Or to swim in a pool full of Jello in its swirly in-between state—not pure liquid, and not quite set. Well, until I’m independently wealthy, neither of these scenarios is likely to take place. But the Body Butter Drench will do quite nicely in the meantime.

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Here’s How it Works

You’ll walk through the Sego Lily Spa doors (running late as usual and feeling overwhelmed by a never-ending list of tasks flowing through your head) and enter a blissful oasis. The rooms are cool and darkened. Everyone speaks in hushed voices and they smile kindly when they see you. You’ll be issued a luxurious purple robe and a pair of soothing spa sandals in just your size, and you’ll be encouraged to relax by a crackling fire—partaking of chilled lemon water, assorted teas, and dried fruit mix—until you are summoned for your treatment. You’ll be amazed you’ve never encountered dried kiwi before this day, and you’ll plan on making it a part of your daily diet for the foreseeable future.

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At just the right time, Janice [or insert your massage therapist’s name here] will walk in and call you by name. At this point, you can send your brain on vacation, because Janice is in charge of your every move for the next 90 minutes. She’ll tell you to slip beneath the towel on the massage table, and then she’ll start massaging the lightly scented tropical butter into your right foot and up your calf. All capacity for coherent thought will depart immediately. Janice will soon become just a pair of hands, as far as you’re concerned. She won’t speak more than necessary (no grilling you about where you’re from and what you do for a living and do you know so-and-so from Green River?), and when she does speak, her voice will be almost tranquilizing.

Janice will proceed to drench you in butter, one body part at a time, and your skin will drink it in thirstily as though it lives in a dry, desert climate—which it does. Then she’ll wrap you in a cocoon of what feels like wax paper—preserving your modesty all the while—followed by a heavy heat blanket that straps tightly closed. You’re a human butter burrito, and you feel warm and secure and moisturized. (I think this is the point at which I briefly drifted off to sleep.)

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While the heat from the blanket opens your pores and encourages the butter to sink deep into your epidermis, Janice will work her magic on your head, shoulders, and face. She’ll then slowly unwrap you—again preserving your modesty—and quietly tell you exactly which appendage to move and when. She’ll even assist you in sitting up so you don’t have to engage your abdominal muscles. That’s what I call service. While you’re emerging from your cocoon (don’t worry, there are no butterfly metaphors on the way), you’ll have a moment of panic because you’re not ready for this to be over. But you can let that go because Janice still has a full-body massage in store for you. Twenty minutes of bliss ensues.

And then, at just the right time, Janice will softly bring you out of your butter-induced coma, issue departing instructions, and say sincerely, “Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your day.” And you’ll think that was just the nicest thing in the world. You’ll stammer back, “You’re welcome” with a dazed, open-mouth grin on your face, because your brain hasn’t quite booted back up again and you honestly think that’s an appropriate response. (If your brain were fully engaged, you’d say, “No, it is I who should thank YOU, kind madam.” And then as a token of your appreciation,  you’d gladly offer up your first-born child, or perhaps your second—whomever is better behaved.)

And, if you’re a scrapbooker, you’ll probably take a few surreptitious pictures on your iPhone while you’re there, and you’ll go home and turn them into a layout. After all, you’ll realize, we document the most exciting, memorable, and celebratory moments of our lives, so why shouldn’t we scrapbook our most relaxing moments, too?

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INSIDER TIPS FOR FUTURE BODY BUTTER DRENCHEES
1. Say YES to the Stomach
Janice [or insert your massage therapist’s name here] will ask you if you’d like your stomach massaged. You might be tempted to say no, but I beg you to resist that urge. I’ve never had anything resembling washboard abs, and I can honestly say that in my adult life, only a tiny handful of people have ever laid eyes (let alone hands) on my bare midsection. It is truly my least favorite feature. I know many of you, particularly those who have previously given birth, can relate to feelings of self-consciousness about your abdominal region. But a beautiful thing happens when you say yes to having your stomach massaged. Not only is it surprisingly soothing and relaxing physically, you also get the subtle feeling that this pair of hands is offering you acceptance. You’re okay just as you are, and it feels good.

2. Avail Yourself of the Restroom Facilities Prior to Treatment
The Body Butter Drench lasts 90 wonderful minutes, and massages can have a tendency to kick certain people’s bladders into high gear. As long as you tinkle right before your treatment, you’ll make it through just fine. Also take care to drink no more than your normal amount before the Drench, then load up on all the fluids you want after it’s over.

3. Shower Before Your Drench but NOT After
Plan on squeezing in your daily workout and taking your daily shower prior to your treatment. Trust me, you will not want to wash off (or sweat off) the body butter that has been so painstakingly applied. You’ll want to luxuriate in your coccoon of moisturizing goodness as long as possible.

4. Plan on a Ponytail Day or a Hat Day
There’s a chance that some residual butter will make its way into your hair. If you have dry hair, this can be a nice side benefit. If you have a tendency toward oily hair (like moi), plan on washing your hair only (perhaps in the sink so you don’t violate tip 3) after the treatment is over, throwing it into a ponytail, or covering it up with a hat. This is especially helpful if you have somewhere important to be later that day, and you’d rather not show up glowing like a newlywed and smelling fantastic but looking like you haven’t washed your hair in the recent past.

5. Wear Socks and Shoes To and From Your Treatment
This tip is optional of course, but I found myself wishing I had brought comfy socks and real shoes to wear home. I didn’t want to slip my glistening feet into my dusty flip flops for the drive home.

And that’s it for me. Please tune back in as I (hopefully) begin my year-long journey through every treatment in the Sego Lily Spa menu, sharing my experiences and offering useful tips along the way. To help make sure this happens, please leave a comment right here on this post.

Have a blissful, relaxing day.

~Angie